Do you need to join Over-achievers Anonymous?

My name is Lynn and I am a recovering over achiever.

I started over achieving from an early age. Perfection was just not good enough. I had to excel at everything. It wasn’t a calling. I was driven. Success at school, a successful career, being a perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, etc.

If I couldn’t do something to ‘perfection’ I wouldn’t do it. Ballet, art, music. The concept of ‘It’s not the winning that counts, it’s taking part’ was completely alien to me. I was addicted to striving for perfection. Note I say ‘striving’, because of course I was never satisfied. Even if I achieved perfection in an area I couldn’t accept it.

My whole life was geared towards achieving perfection, and because of that I think I missed the ‘fun’ bits of life. It’s like being in a race that you must win. You can’t rest. You can’t relax for a moment. The winning post is always just within reach, but you never actually cross the finish line.

The only times I stopped was when my body gave in. I burnt out. I suffered from exhaustion. The first time it happened I punished myself for having human physical failings. For some reason, the third time it happened I had to acknowledge that there was something wrong. I think that it was probably because I met my soul mate who is refreshingly honest and loving and he asked me quite directly “What makes you think you have to be different to the rest of the human race and be perfect?”

I hated him for asking the question, because I had to look at something I didn’t want to. I had to admit – I was flawed. Note I didn’t realise I was human! I was flawed!

I eventually started to wonder what drove me to strive for perfection. What made me over-achieve in every area of my life. Why I constantly strived to be super-human. I eventually came to one answer. To prove myself. To prove myself to every Tom, Dick and Harry that walked the earth. To my family, to my friends, to my colleagues, my bosses, my staff. If you notice, there is one person not on my list – me. Was I trying to prove myself to me? No. Why not? Because I wasn’t worth proving myself to. I valued myself by the salary I received for working myself into the ground. That was the only way I valued myself. Ouch – that hurt.

I didn’t value myself for who I was one bit. I was so busy proving myself to everyone else, that I’d actually lost sight of me. Of who I was, what I wanted and what made me happy. I was lost in the addictive behaviour of over-achievement. The one thing that I was not achieving at all was being true to me.

Ten major characteristics of an overachiever:
1. You live your life at 600mph.
2. Perfection is your goal.
3. You never take time out for lunch, you’ll eat whilst you work, whilst driving, whilst standing or walking.
4. You always feel driven, but aren’t sure by what.
5. You speak too quickly.
6. Your mind is always racing, especially when you try to sleep.
7. You never have any ‘me’ time.
8. You are only vaguely aware of speed limits, and have probably been caught speeding.
9. You are an excellent starter and a poor finisher.
10. The thought of ‘doing absolutely nothing’ is alien to you.

Being an over achiever is painful. You are constantly on the go, you never stop until your body gives in. It’s exhausting. You dare not stop in case someone notices that you aren’t perfect. You live in constant fear, afraid of failure. And the worst thing of all is that you never register your own success.

I’d love to say that from that realisation my life has been a bed of roses, and that I instantly realised my value, my self-worth. If only it was that easy. The problem was that I had been an over-achiever for over thirty years; I knew how to do it. Actually I was perfect at it!

I was not so hot at changing my behaviour. It took time. One day would be good, the next not so good. But as the days passed, it got better and better. My self-esteem began to get stronger. I became more confident. Today my self-esteem is not perfect. ‘Did I really just say that!’ I have learnt that 80% is good enough. The funny thing about that is nearly twenty years ago someone wrote that on an appraisal at work, and it didn’t register with me. I wonder why!

So how do you become a recovering over-achiever?
Step 1 - Recognise that you do it.
Step 2 - Make the choice to change your over-achieving behaviour.
Step 3 - Just for today accept yourself as you are and be happy to score no more than 8/10 for perfection.
Step 4 - If you are not happy with the way you think you are – change.
Step 5 - Whatever you do, don’t do it alone, ask someone for support.

Today I am Lynn, I am a recovering over-achiever. My life is balanced, authentic and content. I accept who I am today. I have set up my own aptly named business called ‘Win At Life’ .

The funny thing is that I still achieve an enormous amount, but it now registers with me, I can recognise and be proud of what I achieve. I enjoy the experience of achieving, but I am no longer a workaholic. I am passionate about what I do and I am drawn to it, rather than driven to do it. I no longer value myself by my income, I value me.

And the best thing of all? I don’t have to prove it to a single soul!

If I can become a recovering over-achiever, anyone can. Even you! You just have to take the first step.

Copyright Lynn Shaw 2004. Not to be republished without express permission of the author and references to Win At Life.