How to solve your own problems

I believe that the best way we can learn to deal with any problem in life is to benefit from the experience of someone who has already solved it for themselves. Imagine that you have a particular problem right now. It could be to do with a relationship or managing stress during exam times, or worrying about a parent that drinks too much, or feeling fat and ugly.

What do we do?

How do we begin to deal with our problem? Well we could worry about it forever, or we could pretend it's not happening. Believe me; neither solution is good for us.

Or we could be presented with three different solutions from three people who have dealt with the same problem as us but all in different ways. You might ask. How is that going to help? It may seem even more confusing to have several solutions to choose from. Let me tell you how it helps:

Firstly we are all different, every one of us.

A solution that works for one person may not be the right one for us. However we know that all three solutions work so - we pick and mix. We try out the three solutions and work out what bits of each solution will work for us. Giving us a single solution isn't always the best approach as when we are feeling confused and vulnerable we can easily dismiss a solution.

When we are faced with a choice we can then take responsibility for developing a solution that suits us best. The other benefit is that we tend to remember solutions that we have developed, solutions that are given to us are usually soon forgotten.

So how do you solve your own problems?

1. First of all you need to work out exactly what the problem is. Is the problem to do with a place, a thing, another person or you?

2. When you are faced with a problem the first thing to decide is "Is the problem about me and only me?"

3. Then you need to remember that you cannot change anything except yourself.

4. If the problem is with someone else, you cannot make them change unless they want to, but you can give them the choice to. First of all you need to understand how you would like them to change. Then you can ask them if they would like to change in the way that you need them to.

If they choose not to change then there is nothing you can do to make them change. However you can choose to stop being affected by them by protecting yourself mental or physically by removing yourself from their company.

5. If you think that the problem is you then you need to commit to solving it.

6. Find out what you need in order to solve your problem:
• Other people’s help, knowledge or experience.
• Some support
• Some training
• Time
• Money
• Things

You don’t have to solve every problem on your own. You can always ask for help. Remember two heads are better than one!

7. Work out what you need to do to get what you need to solve your problem then go and get it. If you can’t get what you need. Is it that you can’t get it just yet or that you can’t get it ever? If it’s just not now, then plan when you can make it happen.
If you are never going to get what you need to solve your problem, then accept that the problem is not solvable and try to protect yourself (see 4).

8. Sometimes problems can seem overwhelming. A great way of putting a problem into perspective is to talk about it with someone that you trust, or even just writing it down.

9. One sure way to increase the size of a problem is to try and ignore it, or continually worry about it without taking any action.

Don’t feed your problem, deal with it or let it go.

10. Finally, never waste your energy trying to solve unsolvable problems. Use your energy on much more useful things instead

Just remember every single one of us has problems in our lives. You can choose to let your life be dictated by them or you can take control by taking responsibility for solving those that you can and accepting and letting go of those that you can’t.

The choice is yours starting now!

Copyright Lynn Shaw 2004. Not to be republished without express permission of the author and references to Win At Life.